AN OLD POLISH PROCLAMATION

by

MELVIN ZWICK

One day recently I, MELVIN WICK, pondered entering Bachi's, Grandpa’s mother, attic. Bachi's was the Polish mother of Grandpa. Why she could even speak Polish.


None of us kids were ever allowed into the attic.

Bachi told us that if we ever stuck our head into the attic we would awaken the attic monster who would grab us be the neck and drag us kicking and screaming for help into the inner depth of its web. We would never be seen again

But that's only an old tale to keep us trouble making kids out of an old dusty attic. But the tale worked. We kids even feared going near the trap door that led to the home of the attic monster.

But that was then and this is now.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, was an adult now and was no longer afraid of the long forgotten attic monster.

So I boldly climbed up a ladder to the attic trapdoor. I attempted to raise the section of wood that blocked the entry way into attic.

It did not budge. I planted my feet firmly on the rungs of the ladder and gave a hefty push up on the trapdoor. The large amount of pressure forced the trapdoor up.

I lifted the door up and set it aside. A massive cloud of dust peppered my face. It surely indicated that access to the attic had not been made in years.

A sever spell of hacking and milder coughing sent me scrambling down the ladder. After coughing up what seemed like the dust of the world I climbed the ladder again. This time I was intent on entering the attic.

After all these years I MELVIN ZWICK, was about to enter the home of the dreaded attic monster. Right! The attic monster only exists in the minds of little kids to keep them from going into the attic.


I climbed up and stuck my head into the attic. There were spider webs everywhere. I, MELVIN ZWICK, mean SPIDER WEBS. Big thick SPIDER WEBS.

Maybe the legend of the attic monster was true. Looking at the massive amount of spider webs hanging from floor to ceiling and wall to wall might make one believe the legend.

I bet most of you are thinking this is a story about attic monsters. Well it’s not.

The story about attic monsters will be left for future MELVIN ZWICK stories.

This story is about something I, MELVIN ZWICK, found in an ancient trunk hidden away in a corner of Bachi's monster dwelling attic.

A quick look through the spider webs indicated the attic was empty except for something in the furthest corner. The object appeared faintly as being rectangular and not in the shape of any spider.

I swung the flashlight beam around the rest of the attic.

As I, MELVIN ZWICK, write this I remember I was a little nervous looking into the rest of the attic. Even now as an adult I had a difficult time convincing myself the attic monster did not exist. Bachi’s warning still burned into my adult mind.

I needed to head to the corner that showed the rectangular object.

Once in the attic I, MELVIN ZWICK , cut my way through the SPIDER WEBS to what appeared to be a trunk

Sure enough it was a trunk. It was a small brass edged leather trunk, covered with enough spider webs to weave a blanket. It appeared to be extremely old.

The next several minutes were spent removing SPIDER WEBS from the trunk.

Once the dust and SPIDER WEBS were cleared away I, MELVIN ZWICK, could better see the top of the leather trunk.

There was a brass plaque embedded in the lid of the trunk.

Engraved on the plaque was the following:

WIADYSLAW II JAGIELIO

1386-1434

Did the numbers represent years? Could it be this trunk was at least 577 years old? And who was WIADYSLAW II JAGIELIO?

Those questions could wait. The contents of the trunk were calling.

The trunk had to be opened. What treasures might it hold?

The lid was fastened to the trunk with finely crafted brass hinges. The latch was also made of brass. A closer look indicated it was not locked.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, most admit the latch was opened by my shaky fingers as I raised the flap. The lid, operating on the brass hinges, was laid back out of the way.

The contents were exposed to the light of my failing flashlight. WHAT?????? No jewels or silver or gold coins. Nothing but papers. The trunk contained nothing but well organized papers. I must admit I, MELVIN ZWICK, was very disappointed. I am not sure what I expected but papers were not one of them.

My flash light was starting to get dim. It was time to leave the SPIDER WEB infested attic. With all the SPIDER WEBS in this place one might really believe the legend of the attic monster, especially when ones light is failing. Mom always told us kids that the attic monster spun its webs in total darkness. If just by chance the legend was true it would not be wise to be caught in the attic with a dead flashlight.

And attempt to lift the trunk proved to be futile. The weight of the trunk and its contents was just too much to handle. The best way to get the trunk out of the attic would be to remove that paper and carry all the things out separately.

But my light was really getting dim and I heard a rustling in the far corner. It was time to bail out. The thought of the light of the room downstairs sure sounded good.

I would have to return with a recharged flashlight and sort through the papers. Then the trunk and contents could be moved out of the attic.

It slipped through my mind that sorting through a bunch of moldy papers in a SPIDER WEB filled attic was not high on my list of things to do.

Just before closing the lid I noticed a leather bound book. On an impulse I would grabbed it just as my flashlight faded out.

Was there something moving in the far corner of the attic? I made a dash to the light that shown from the light below through the attic entryway.

I scrambled on to the ladder and placed the trapdoor in place as I climber into the lower room. I sure didn’t want to become food for the attic monster.

I stumbled into the living room and flopped down on to the couch. Crouching in the attic for an hour or more sure does not lead to stable legs.

I studied the leather bound book for the first time in decent light. Tooled into the cover were the words:

"Odezwy króla Kazimierza III WIELKI Z POLSKA." The pages inside were filled with like words.

Oh great, this leather bound book, possibly filled with words of great wisdom, was written in a foreign language. And what language?

It could be Polish. My Mom was Polish. The word “Polska” sure looked like a Polish word. But why would Bachi have a 500 plus year old book in a leather trunk in her attic protected by a mythical attic monster?

Puzzles better left for a later date. The leather bound book would be a great conversation piece sitting on the coffee table until I could translate the words it was filled with.

While fixing my dinner my mind kept drifting to thoughts of Kyle, Grandpa's fine first Grandson and the leather bound book on the coffee table.

I could not explain the continually thoughts of Kyle and the book. Were they somehow related? A Polish book almost 600 years old and a young man in the present.

The book had to be translated, but how? Then I, MELVIN ZWICK, remembered Google translate program. That program was amazing. You can download it on your computer. You type in the language you want translated and the program translates it into the language you want. I could type in the Polish words from the book and have the program translate them to English. Simple!

I never finished dinner. It was on to the computer and Google translate.

The first challenge would be the tooled inscription on the front cover of the leather bound book.

"Odezwy króla Kazimierza III WIELKI Z POLSKA."

I diligently typed the Polish words into the Polish side of the translate program. Now I tell you typing in the Polish words with all their z,s y,s and k,s sure was a challenge. But once in the program the following words spilled out into the English side of the program.

"Proclamations OF KING KAZIMIERZ III WIELKI OF POLAND."

Those words sure do not stimulate the curios mind.

For curiosity I did a COMPUTER search on Polish history. One of the selections in the Google search listed the timeline of Polish History. I selected to read that listing.

The listing started with Duke Miesako I in 966. He was Poland’s first recorded leader.

The listing seemed to list dates and significant names or occurrences.

I indexed down the list looking for “KAZIMIERZ III WIELKI”

I got to the date 1333-1370 and found “KAZIMIERZ III WIELKI (Casimir the Great).” He was the leader of Poland at the time.

Then I remembered the engraving on the plaque on the lid of the trunk. It read WIADYSLAW II JAGIELIO 1386-1434. The name Wladyslaw II Jagiello appeared at the date line of 1382.

The listing stated “The polish crown was passed on to 10 year old Jadwiga. Poland forms an alliance with the pagan Lithuania when young Jadwiga marries Duke Jagiello of Lithuania. Jagiello converts to Christianity and becomes Wladyslaw II Jagiello, ruling from 1386-1434.” That sure indicates Jagiello was a lady.

The leather bound book with the words "Odezwy króla Kazimierza III WIELKI Z POLSKA” tooled on the cover were proclamations of King Kazimierza. It was in a trunk of his daughter Wladyslaw II Jagiello.

All that info about Polish leaders almost 600 years ago. Made my head start to spin. I was about to set the book down but the thoughts of Kyle and the book kept flitting through my spinning mind. Only now the number thirty nine joined the mix of thoughts. Why Thirty nine? What did it mean?

A quick input of the words thirty nine into the program and the translation to Polish gave me the following:

"trzydziesci dziewiec"

But the number thirty nine in English and Polish stills didn't mean anything to me.

A though led me back to the pages of the book.

As I flipped through the pages I noticed each page had a heading and the text on each page seemed to be a short statement.

Then I remembered the translation of the words tooled into the cover of the book. The translation said "Proclamations...."

Maybe each page was a Proclamation. That might mean that the thirty ninth page might be the page I was looking for.

I started counting the pages. As I counted the excitement started to build up.

At the thirty ninth page the words "trzydziesci dziewiec" appeared as the header.

Maybe just maybe I was getting close to the end of this puzzle. The puzzle that kept flitting through my mind. How were Kyle, the leather book and the number thirty nine all tied together.

The words written on the thirty ninth page were:

"I króla Kazimierza III WIELKI dekretu POLSKA, że gdy dziadek kurczy się w wysokości, jak się zestarzeje, da jego wysokość jego wnuka, który rośnie w wysokości w ich wieku."

Typing those all those words into the translate program was a gigantic task. Anyone who thinks it would be easy should try it themselves. It was a monumental hunt and peck task.

Eventually the input was done.

The translation was there. What was the English equivalent of the Polish Proclamation written some Five hundred and seventy seven years ago ?

I, MELVIN ZWICK, might pull a ZWICKISM and let you translate the Polish words yourself.

I just might do that. I just might.

Then again I just might not.

Then again I might. The result has to do somewhat with Kyle, Grandpa's FIRST MALE GRANDSON and Grandpa.

OK!! Here is the translation.

"I King Kazimierza III WIELKI of POLAND decree that when a grandfather is shrinking in height as he grows old, he will give his height to his first Grandson, that grows in height as he ages."

How about that. The King just might have something. Grandpa was 6 ' 3" tall. He now is about 6' 1" tall. His first grandson is 14 and is now 6'the 2" tall.

Grandpa is shrinking as Kyle his first Grandson is growing inheight.

Go big guy!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh by the way I, MELVIN ZWICK, ventured back into Mom’s monster's den again. I had to get the trunk out of the clutches of the attic monster.

Armed with two powerful flood lights and a samurai sword I cut my way back to the trunk. If grabbed a bunch of pages and passed the down to Grandpa who was standing at the bottom of the ladder.

Grandpa was a big help in getting the trunk down.

On closer inspection I determined the hinges, latch and trim were not brass but solid gold.

While searching through the papers in the trunk several very old gold and silver coins got to see the light of day for the first time in 500 plus years.

Maybe some time in the future I, MELVIN ZWICK The great story teller will write about how the Polish, gold framed leather trunk ended up in Polish Bachi's attic in Tucson.

I bet I, MELVIN ZWICK THE GREAT STORY TELLER, could weave a whopper of a tale about how the trunk ended in Bachi's monster infest attic.

THE END FOR NOW

Grandpa here. Melvin you have done it again. I asked you to send a note to Kyle complimenting him on his height. I casually mention that my height has reduced from 6’ 3” to about 6’ 1” and Kyle hasgrown in height to 6’ 2”. What do you do?

You concoct an 1800 word wild story about an attic monster, a gold framed leather trunk, gold coins and a 577 year old leather bound book with a nutty Proclamation written by a long ago King.

You are correct about Mom being Polish. Both her parents came to this country from Poland about 100 years ago. I did some searchers on Polish history and found that you at least had some truth n your story. There was a WIADYSLAW II JAGIELIO who lived in 1386-1434 and there was a KING KAZIMIERZ III WIELKI OF POLAND.

You are also correct about my great first male grandson Kyle the mole slayer. In a few months he will probably be taller than I ever was.

Just look at Kyle. He towers above his sisters.

By the way you used the title of Bachi interchangeable with Mom to describe our Mom. Mom did become Bachi and Bachi Bachi as Grandpa’s daughters were born and his Grandkids were born.

LOVE YOU ALL BIG BUNCHES,

Grandpa

ZWICK PLANTS A FLOWER CHAPTER III

ZWICK PLANTS A FLOWER
BY MELVIN ZWICK

CHAPTER III

I, MELVIN ZWICK, woke this morning and went outside to check on the flowers I planted. Look what I found. A note tacked to the tree. Who put it there and what did it day?









Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! look at me with ivy growing out of my ears. What am I, MELVIN ZWICK, to do? I trim the ivory and it grows back immediately. What am I, MELVIN ZWICK, to do? I may have to stay indoors until the ivy is gone. Oh poor me, MELVIN ZWICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MELVIN ZWICK PLANTS A FLOWER II

MELVIN ZWICK PLANTS A FLOWER
BY
MELVIN ZWICK THE STORY TELLER

CHAPTER II

I, MELVIN ZWICK, decided to plant another flower. This time I will be very careful not to be caught by the Underground Human Grabber monster.



This time I, MELVIN ZWICK THE GREAT HUNTER, is prepared for the Underground Human Grabber monster. The 409 cleaner kills ants so I, MELVIN ZWICK, think it might kill the monster just like it kills ants. Ants and the Underground Human Grabber monster are alike because they both live underground.





As I, MELVIN ZWICK, did when I planted the last plant I grab loose soil from the hole and place it on the pallet. The Underground Human Grabber monster grabbed me while I was doing this the last time I dug the hole. I am very careful to prevent being captured this time.



Look what I, MELVIN ZWICK, found while digging the hole. Pieces of old Indian pottery. Pieces like this are called pottery shards. There must have been a Melvin in the old times.



Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!! The Underground Human Grabber monster almost got me but I was too fast this time. I pulled out my hand from the hole and sprayed the Underground Human Grabber monster with the 409. It retreated into the hole.



The 409 must not have worked as Underground Human Grabber monster popped its head up again, but a knock from the baseball bat sent it back into the hole. I, MELVIN ZWICK, finished digging the hole without any more problems.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, noticed my stomach was telling me that it was lunch time. The critters in the hole seemed to be settled in so I, MELVIN ZWICK, got up and went inside and fixed my lunch.




When I came back out I, MELVIN ZWICK, holding my big drink mug was amazed with what I saw at the hole.



If you look closely at the above picture you will see three Underground Human Grabber monsters. They are just waiting to grab me, MELVIN ZWICK.




I, MELVIN ZWICK, grabbed the baseball bat and started whacking the Underground Human Grabber monsters.



I, MELVIN ZWICK, whacked this guy like a golf ball. He immediately hustled back into the hole I just dug.



Kyle, Grandpa’s home run slugging Grandson, would be proud of me, MELVIN ZWICK, as I slammed this Underground Human Grabber monster for a home run.



Little Indy, Kyle’s month old small little guy who judges at the fair placed in last place because he had a small carcass, sure did a great job of retrieving the Underground Human Grabber monster I, MELVIN ZWICK the home run slugger, hit into left field. Who needs a retrieving dog around when you have a retrieving Indy?
By the way, having a small carcass means the sheep is too small to eat. Seems to me, MELVIN ZWICK, that if I was a edible farm animal I would try keep myself too small to eat but big enough to look like I might be big enough in the future.




I showed Grandpa how I, MELVIN ZWICK, planted his plant.



Here is what the plant looked like as I, MELVIN ZWICK, gave it a MELVIN ZWICK, spell.

THE END

ZWICK PLANTS A FLOWER
BY
WHO ELSE BUT THE GREAT MELVIN ZWICK
WITH A FEW COMMENTS FROM GRANDPA

It was a pleasant day on May 2, 2009 when I, MELVIN ZWICK the great horticulturist, decided to plant a flower in Grandpa’s front yard. Actually the flower was to be planted in the gravel portion of Grandpa’s front yard. Grandma and Grandpa were at that marvelous store Costco where you go with a list of five items and come home with twenty five items. Grandma likes to go as soon as the story opens to get away from the crowd. Grandpa likes to go later so that all the free food dispensers are supplying food. A person can get enough free food to make a full lunch. I, MELVIN ZWICK, thought I would plant a new plant in their garden to surprise them when they got back. Digging in the soil is very difficult as there are many rocks in the way. I, MELVIN ZWICK, like to work as easily as possible so I wheel out my garden cart so that I have something to sit on while I did the hole.


When I, MELVIN ZWICK the great digger, had been digging for a while the Underground Human Grabber grabbed my hand and started to pull me into the hole. The grabber was very strong.


It was a real tug of war as the Grabber pulling me down and I pulled back up.


The mean nasty Underground Human Grabber was getting the best of me, MELVIN ZWICK, even though I am the strongest man in the world.


The Underground Human Grabber won the tug of war. I, MELVIN ZWICK, was headed into the home of the Underground Human Grabber.


Grandpa who had just returned from Costco heard me hollering and tried to pull me, MELVIN ZWICK, out but he had no success. I, MELVIN ZWICK, was on my way to the home of the Underground Human Grabber.


Grandpa looked into the hole but could not see me. He did hear a tremendous fight going on. Once I, MELVIN ZWICK, entered the home of the Underground Human Grabber I told it (note I, MELVIN ZWICK, called it it as it was not human) I was going to go back up stairs. It said no way. You are my guest and must stay here. I, MELVIN ZWICK the master of Karate, gave that Underground Human Grabber a good working over. It decided if it wanted to live a longer life it better
let me go.


Grandpa was amazed to see me, MELVIN ZWICK, reaching out of the hole. As you can see I, MELVIN ZWICK, looks a little dirty.


Grandpa thinks it is a little funny to see me, MELVIN ZWICK the great adventurer, in the hole.



I, MELVIN ZWICK the great photographer, took this photo of the Underground Human Grabber just before we got into a fight. It was one seven foot mean looking dude. After the great adventure I, MELVIN ZWICK, decided I no longer wanted to plant the flower. Grandpa took over. I, MELVIN ZWICK the clean person, did not want to have anything more to do with the Underground Human Grabber. Not only was the adventure with the Underground Human Grabber enough to keep me away from the planting I, MELVIN ZWICK, knew the next step in planting the flower was to put some smell stuff in the hole to mix with the dirt. So it was Grandpa “Do your stuff.”

I, MELVIN ZWICK, am going tell you a Grandpa Planting Secret. After Grandpa puts in the smelly stuff into the hole he mixes it with some dirt in the hole.


Then he pours some water mixed with some vitamin B1. The mixture encourages plant roots to grow. He then mixed the water, dirt and smelly stuff until it turns into mud.


Once the stuff is mixed well Grandpa puts the plant on the mud in the hole.


Then its more smelly stuff. Grandpa mixed the smelly stuff in with some dirt.


Grandpa then puts the mixture into the hole around the plant.


Grandpa packs the mixture to remove all air pockets. Roots do not like air.


Then it more water and B1.


There it is. A small bougainvillea about to jump into your face.


I, MELVIN ZWICK, said a few magic words and poof look what happened to the plant.

Melvin Zwick, you have proven again that your imagination is almost a big as your ego. I, GRANDPA, am amazed how you took the photographs. All our family knows that only you or grandpa can exist at one time. For you to be in the picture you had to set the camera on a tripod, set the timer for 10 seconds, press the shutter release button then run to the scene and pose all within the 10 seconds before the shutter trips. For me, Grandpa, to be in the picture I had to do the same thing.

Oh by the way I, GRANDPA, dug the hole.

Now a challenge to Grandpas detectives. Keep in mind that Melvin Zwick only had 10 seconds to set up the photograph. I doubt there was enough time to run back to the scene, take off the shoes and place them in the hole before the shutter clicked. Did Melvin Zwick place the shoes in the hole walk back to the camera in bare feet on the gravel then run back to the scene in bear feet?

Grandpa I, MELVIN ZWICK, have soles on my feet that are as tough as leather. Walking on gravel is not problem for me, MELVIN ZWICK.

I don’t think so. You could not walk on grave in you bare feet. You had another trick. OK detectives how did Melvin Zwick do it. Get from the camera to the scene.

THE END

MELVIN ZWICK AND THE BEAR

MELVIN ZWICK AND THE BEAR
by
NONE OTHER THEN THE GREAT MELVIN ZWICK

You all know how hot it gets in Phoenix. How hot does it get? Why it gets so hot we do not need a fire to roast our marshmallows. We just put them on a stick and set them out in the sun. They should not be left out too long or they will catch fire and turn into charcoal.
This story is about the black bear I, MELVIN ZWICK, met while roasting my, MELVIN ZWICK, marshmallows over a camp fire in the beautiful tall pines of Flagstaff. After turning most of a package of marshmallows into charcoal I, MELVIN ZWICK, the guy who can do anything, figured how to make a tasty roasted marshmallow. You take the marshmallow out of the package, hold it in the cupped palms of you hands until it warms up, then you eat it. No more charcoal marshmallows for me, the GREAT MELVIN ZWICK.
One night the Park Ranger was talking to all of us campers while we were sitting around a nice campfire. He was telling us about all the critters that live in the forest.
He said there were black bears and grizzles bears living all around us. Both bears can be dangerous. If one decides to get you, you will not be able to outrun it. They run much faster that a person can run. They can climb up a tree after you.
So what do you do? The best defense is to carry a whistle and a can of pepper spray. If you run into a bear blow the whistle as loud and as long as you can. Bears do not like loud noises. If the bear gets too close use the pepper spray.
Someone asked how can you tell if the bear near us is a black bear of grizzly. The ranger said you have to look at the bear poop. If it contains nuts and berries the bear that left it is a black bear. If the poop contains a whistle and a can of pepper spray it is a grizzly bear.
Well that gave us a little to think about.
After the talk we all roasted some marshmallows. Most of the campers created charcoal for their BBQ pit. I, MELVIN ZWICK, did my usual marshmallow roasting thing and had lots of great roasted marshmallows. By the way did I tell you, you have to wash your hands very well before cupping the marshmallow.
After the marshmallow roast the ranger said one of the campers had a bunch of watermelons and invited us all to share in some \dessert.
So we all sat around eating and spitting. That is another nice thing about camping. You can spit the seeds on the ground and not have to worry about the cleaning lady complaining about the mess.
When we were all don a nice lady picked up the rinds in her arms and walked over to the nearest trash can. Luckily the lid was open. She walked up to the can and was about to drop all these rinds into the can when two hairy paws reached up and grabbed them. The lady turned screaming and ran back to her camper, grabbed her whistle and pepper spray. The noise was deafening and the smell of the pepper spray made all of us tear up. It seemed there was a black bear in the trash can.
I, MELVIN ZWICK, had so many tears in my eyes I, MELVIN ZWICK, could not find my camper and my camera. So that bear got away without me, MELVIN ZWICK, taking his portrait.
Well after a long night of nervous chatter we all went to our campers and had some nervous sleep.
After that I, MELVIN ZWICK, always had my camera with me. Two afternoons later I, MELVIN ZWICK, took these pictures.


Here he is waiting for dinner. He looks like he can wait a little while.


Now he is getting a little anxious. No one wanted to walk up to him and feed him. Thank goodness for a telephoto lens on my, MELVIN ZWICK’S, camera.
Well that ends another MELVIN ZWICK story.

Well almost. On the way out I, MELVIN ZWICK, took this picture of the sign posted by the Park Ranger.



Melvin Zwick you are such a false story creator. Nothing about this story is true. You can not roast marshmallows in the Phoenix heat without a fire. You did not go camping in Flagstaff. You were home helping me, GRANDPA, create jewelry. You never ate watermelons and you did not take the pictures of the bear. However they sure are great pictures.

Mr. Pepe's move on Grandpa's lap

PEPE’S MOVE ON GRANDPA’S COMPUTER
By
WHO ELSE BUT MELVIN ZWICK THE GREAT CAT TRAINER.

Pepe, Grandpa’s ex feral cat, has become a lap fixture in Grandpa‘s home. We think he is making up for lost time.

He survived outside on his own for more than two years. He never had anyone touch him or scratch his chin whiskers.


Mr., Pepe was still pretty wild when he first started coming into Grandpa’s house.
If one was to try to touch him he would take your hand off. He was still one mean kitty. Mr. Pepe would not allow Grandpa to touch him so Grandpa had to scratch him with a back scratchier. Notice that Grandpa’s right arm is hanging over the edge of the chair so that Mr. Pepe would not see it.

Mr. Pepe reminds me, MELVIN ZWICK, of a tiger I, MELVIN ZWICK once knew while hunting in the wilds of India. There had been reports of a man eating tiger near the village of Mumbai. I, MELVIN ZWICK, the great hunter was hired by the villagers to remove this threat to their lives.

This big tiger had already eaten all the villagers cows and was about to start making the villagers his meals.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, had arrived in the afternoon and set up my camp on the outskirt of the village. It was my intent to start the hunt the next day.

On the way to the village I, MELVIN ZWICK, had spotter many tiger foot prints. Because of the number of prints I, MELVIN ZWICK, figured it would not take long to find the tiger and rid the village of him.

I had just finished my, MELVIN ZWICK’S, evening meal of steak and lobster tail and was sitting back and listening to my favorite music on my boom box. I, MELVIN ZWICK, having once sung Country Music for a living, never got tired of hearing Country Music.

So there I, MELVIN ZWICK, was lying back in my camp lounge chair enjoying Country Music while sipping Cherry Pomegranate Chrystal Lite when I, MELVIN ZWICK, heard a noise from behind me. It was not soft and gentle but strong and forceful. I, MELVIN ZWICK, was without my rifle as I, had not had time to unpack it. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I, MELVIN ZWICK, have heard tiger foot falls before but this sound was made by a much bigger tiger.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, quickly turned up the volume on my boom box thinking the loud noise would scare the tiger away.

Almost immediately I heard a loud purring. The purring noise came closer until out of the corner of my eye I, MELVIN ZWICK, could see the biggest tiger I, MELVIN ZWICK, had ever seen. I, MELVIN ZWICK, thought my days were numbered and I, MELVIN ZWICK, would end up as the tigers evening meal. Well at least I, MELVIN ZWICK, had one of my favorite foods for my last meal.

But a strange thing happened. That tiger, walking low to the ground, was swaying to the tempo of the Country Music. His eyes were half closed. He moved directly to the sound of the Country Music and laid down next to the boom box. He closed his eyes as his head swayed to the rhythm of the music. Who would have ever thought a tiger would be lulled to sleep by listening to Country Music? I, MELVIN ZWICK, was saved by Country Music. Can you believe that?

The Country Music station played five songs in a row. Then a minor catastrophe happened.

The station put on a commercial. Almost immediately that big cat opened his eyes and with a startled look and glance around. He saw me, MELVIN ZWICK, and started to lick his lips.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, am known for my quick wit. I immediately started singing a Country Western song. The tiger almost immediately closed his eyes and started swaying.

So there we were a massive tiger and me, MELVIN ZWICK the great hunter listening to Country Music. I, MELVIN ZWICK, had been hired to do away with this beautiful tiger. It was obvious there was no way I could shoot him. How could anyone put down a beautiful tiger who loved Country Music?

I remembered that I, MELVIN ZWICK, had brought along a large cage in which I had planned on using to trap one of the villagers run away elephants.

A thought came to mind. I, MELVIN ZWICK, could save this beautiful tiger and take him to the San Diego Zoo. There he could live a long happy life under the care of very loving Zoo Keepers instead of being shot here in a remote village in India.

But how could I, MELVIN ZWICK, get him into the trap? Then it dawned on me. I, MELVIN ZWICK, with stealth I had learned as a Karate Master, picked up the boom box and slowly placed it in the trap. That tiger followed the boom box right into the trap. As I, MELVIN ZWICK, was sneaking out of the trap the station played another commercial. I immediately started singing again. But I could not leave because the tiger had turned to listen to my song. I, MELVIN ZWICK, had to sing at least two songs until the station started playing music again.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, left the trap and closed the door.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, replace the boom box with a CD player containing a CD of Merle Haggard singing the songs of Jimmy Rodgers. I set the player on continual mode so that it would repeat all the songs until I, MELVIN ZWICK, turned it off.

We transported the tiger and the CD player to the San Diego Zoo where he was turned loose.

I, MELVIN ZWICK, do not think there is any more interesting information to add to this story other than to say that the beautiful tiger who they named ARES lived a very long life in the San Diego Zoo and became the proud Papa of many fine tiger cubs.

Here is a picture of beautiful twins Ares fathered.

One thing I, GRANDPA, have to say about you Melvin Zwick, is you have a very creative imagination. You start off telling a very simple story of how Grandpa’s cat, Mr. Pepe, moves into his lap then you go off on a wild, crazy phony story about you and a tiger in India.

You have never been to India and you are definitely not a great hunter unless you call hunting jack rabbit’s with a BB gun a skill that makes you a great hunter. You never sang Country Songs for a living. And another thing tigers do not purr. The mountain lion is the largest cat that purrs.

It is becoming obvious to me, MELVIN ZWICK, that I am going to have to get my own computer so you con not read what I write.

It would not make a difference. No one believes you anyway.

OK, it’s back to the story of Mr. Pepe.

Mr. Pepe, Grandpa’s ex feral cat is making up for lost time.

He thinks he is entitled to either Grandma’s or Grandpa’s lap. Nothing that Grandpa does while sitting in his easy chair is a deterrent to Mr. Pepe when he makes up his mind he needs a lap to lay in.

Grandpa spends a lot of time in my easy chair working on his lap top. The lap top does not stand in Mr. Pepe’s way when he is on the move to Grandpa’s lap.


First Mr. Pepe sits on the couch and watches a little TV. Mr. Pepe is especially fond of animal programs on the National Geographic channel.


Then he notices that Grandpa is in his easy chair working on his computer. You can see by the look on Mr. Pepe’s face that he is wondering why he is not in Grandpa’s lap.

Mr. Pepe gets up and starts his move on Grandpa’s lap. He slowly moves to the end table. Grandpa not wanting him in his lap tells Mr. Pepe no. Mr. Pepe lays down on the end table and watches Grandpa.
When Mr. Pepe thinks grandpa will not notice him he starts moving again.

Grandpa spots him and says no several times. Mr. Pepe lies down again but he is closer to Grandpa’s lap.



Then it up again as he moves towards Grandpa’s lap but Grandpa’s no’s only slow him down.



But at this stage all the no’s by Grandpa will not deter Mr. Pepe from getting in
Grandpa’s lap. Mr. Pepe is now committed to lie in Grandpa’s lap. He moves as slow as molasses in January but does not stop.

Mr. Pepe has reached his destination. He is on Grandpa’s lap.
Grandpa can no longer work on his computer so it gets set aside and Mr. Pepe gets his head scratched.

If Grandpa is inconsiderate enough to ignore Mr. Pepe he puts his head on Grandpa’s left hand and prevents Grandpa from typing stories.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
ANOTHER GREAT STORY BY ME, MELVIN ZWICK